My Em-Spiration: Finding My Fight

So in the height of my current struggles I found myself turning to an unlikely friend.  Someone who has most likely not had the same experiences that I have had, but is expressing emotions that I can most certainly relate to.  Okay, just so you know, I have never been a huge Eminem fan.  But I’ve also never hated him.  There’s reason to have a certain amount of respect for his talent.  There’s something very real and very raw in his expression, but also very real and very raw in his ability to offend.  Personally, I’ve never been offended, but I can get why others might turn the other way.  That being said, his latest album “Recovery” grabbed my attention even before I knew I needed it.  I often listened to the watered-down, radio versions of his latest releases.  Then, four days post D&C, a song kept running through my head, and I knew I had to own it.  This particular song, “I’m Not Afraid” spoke so much to my emotions in not really where I was at the time, but where I knew I needed to be. 

Yeah, it’s been a ride…

A place that was all too familiar, but I really wasn’t up for visiting at the moment.  I realize that some of you may not be able to relate to my fondness for ol’ Em.  My new friend probably offends many of my readers.  But there are times in my life, when certain events have occurred, when my heart reaches a certain stage of broken, that I get to a point where the sweetness is just sickening.  And I need, no I crave, the harshness and the brutalness of real words that aren’t sugar-coated.  There is a certain amount of satisfaction in finding someone who isn’t afraid to be angry.  Someone who isn’t adverse to yelling, screaming, swearing, profanity …someone who says what I want to say, but can’t.  But alongside this anger, hope sits too.  It is intertwined, tangled up and disguised within these dramatic lyrics, it’s hidden behind the rough edges, peeking out just enough that occasionally I catch a glimmer.  This angry hopefulness speaks volumes to my ragged heart and my complicated emotions.  I realize this song is not written for me and my struggles but there is so much about it that I do get, and it’s then that I realize that it has been written for me and for what I need right now. This album stirs up the fight in me, and there are days when I truly need to rally for that fight.  It empowers me to stand up and demand the dreams I have a right to.  It reminds my heart that it should be outraged by the unfairness, that it’s okay to be angry when I have been robbed.  It gives me inspiration that I can’t find other places.  It pushes me to remember that I refuse to be beat down.  I refuse to let this evil get the best of me.  I refuse to give up.  I refuse. 

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage…

When Wyatt was ripped from our lives in an instant, I knew that I had to take control of the only thing I had control over.  I had to conjure up all the fight that I could muster.  It was a fight or flight moment and I wasn’t going anywhere.  I was determined to not be beat down by any demons, I was standing my ground and demanding my life back.  This experience was not going to get the best of me.  This hardship was not going to define me in any certain terms.  I was not going to let the darkness take over.  And I fought and I fought and I fought…I was determined that I would be victorious, slay this dragon, bury him behind me and move on. 

There's a game called circle and I don't know how
I'm way too up to back down
But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't
This f#*@ing black cloud still follows me around…

Then I was reminded all too soon that this darkness never entirely leaves you.  There’s a certain pain that is always lingering in the background.  A particular demon that can’t wait to come back to haunt you.  It just hurts sometimes.  It sneaks up on you and tries to tear at your insides when you least expect it.  And, well, then there are also those times when it comes flooding back when your heart gets broken once again.  And there I was, sitting all alone, wondering how I have returned to this dark place, wondering how this evil could have possibly found me again and wondering how I was going to escape once more.  So I turned to the advice of my newly acquired BFF and decided I was going to wage war on this evil one more time.  I was not ready to wave my white flag yet.  It was not time for me to surrender.  I knew I had only one choice and I was ready to beat this beast again.  Time to get in the ring one more time and show my enemy that I wasn’t backing down. 

I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly

But here’s where I can sometimes get stuck:  How do you wage a war when you are not sure who your opponent truly is?  I mean, what was it I was really fighting against?  Who really was this dragon, this beast, this evil, this darkness?  It had no title.  It could not be defined.  I clearly couldn’t put a tombstone on his grave and call it done if I had no name to inscribe at the end.  This has been one of my biggest struggles.  When no one can tell you why the rug was pulled out from under you, when no one knows exactly what happened, when no one is sure what the evil that is lurking about truly is, how can you possibly fight it?  Fighting an invisible, un-named enemy is a daunting and exhausting task.  It wears me out and strips me of everything that makes me strong in the first place.  It is the one thing that can surely break me down and it does, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, it chisels away at my core. The not knowing why, the not knowing how, the not knowing when, it chews me up and spits me out.  It knocks me out cold and I’m dizzied every time I try to get back up.  Just writing these words wells my eyes and weighs down my spirit.  It just sucks.  End of story.

I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now

But I know my story isn’t over.  Giving up is not my style.  Backing down isn’t really part of my nature.  So I will fight blindly if that’s what I need to do.  I will keep swinging with my eyes closed until I hit that target if that’s what it takes.  I know that my army of supporters is strong enough to back me up, pick me up when I’ve fallen, put me on their shoulders when I can stand no more.  I am ready for battle once again.  I know I will win, I am certain I will be victorious.  I am often not certain how, or when, and I might not yet even know what victory looks like.  But I am certain why.  And it’s because I choose.  I choose to fight, I choose to stand, and I choose to eventually define what victory is for me.  This is my life, the only one I will be given, and when given a choice, I will choose to find my fight and demand what is rightfully mine.  So with my Em-spiration in my back pocket and my blindfold on, I’m stepping out into the unknown, which is so much better than not stepping at all. 

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

[Of course all songs in italics are the rightful property of my pal Eminem, from the song I'm Not Afraid....thanks Em]