Shedding Armor

I know, I know, I have been a huge blog slacker lately.  It’s been over a month since I’ve written and it’s not necessarily because I haven’t needed to, it’s mostly because I haven’t had the time to give it all my blogging efforts.  I figured it was all or nothing and I guess I chose nothing.  Hope you survived the past month without me.  And if you are completely out of the loop (and not hooked up with me on Facebook), I guess I should at least try to recap the last month so that you know what the heck I was doing to cause me to neglect you for so long.  And there’s nothing like a visual aid or two to help deliver the data in a more efficient way, so here it goes:

Figure 1: Studying for Competency Exams

Over the last month especially, I have been cramming for my in-house competency exams for my doctoral program.  Passing these exams allows me to move onto the dissertation phase of my program and so I FINALLY committed to setting a date and took that darn exam…I’m still working on the take home portion and then have to defend orally, but the bulk of the studying has passed and for that I am grateful!

Figure 2: It’s a Boy!

We had our 20 week ultrasound the day following the completion of my in-house comps.  It was a crazy week, but most importantly, the ultrasound was unremarkable and for that I am grateful!  I even scheduled a massage and pedicure immediately following this appointment in anticipation that all would be well and I would need a relaxing way to celebrate my hectic week.  I was feeling especially grateful that I was confident enough to plan ahead and commit to doing this in advance.  This is HUGE progress!

Figure 3:  Our Anniversary

Rob and I celebrated our 8 year anniversary on the same Wednesday night (our real date was Tuesday) as the ultrasound and spa treatment.  Have I said it was a crazy week?  More importantly, it was a joyful week and we celebrated the completion of my in-house comps, the great ultrasound results and our wonderful marriage with a fantastic night out.  The restaurant was amazing at celebrating with us, and just think if they would have known the history behind how important this celebration really is to us!

Figure 4:  Time for a vacation

We knew we would need some rest and relaxation after this crazy week, so what did we do?  Packed up and left for Myrtle Beach the following Friday (yep, two days later!).  Whew!  It was well needed family time full of smiles, recreation and lots of love! 

So, I’m hoping you have somewhat of a clearer picture as to why I haven’t been writing so much.  Things have been a bit busy lately.  And, I will reiterate, it’s not because I haven’t wanted or needed to write.  I have had so many blog posts swimming around in my head that I have just had to push out until a later date, but they are still around, so consider yourself warned.  It’s also not because I have been laid back, happy go lucky and all nerves have calmed regarding this pregnancy.  I will say that I have relaxed a lot.  I am much less crazy, I am eating and drinking things that I wouldn’t have touched a month ago (you remember the post, right?), heck, I’m even having a nightly beer or two with Rob.  Okay, no I’m not, geez, don’t be so quick to judge.  I rented a Doppler a couple of months ago, so that I could check the heartbeat whenever I needed to, and I have probably only used it once in the last two weeks.  I have started to truly commit to having this baby and the planning stages have begun.  This isn’t to say that I have let go of fear, because fear will reside within me until I hold this baby in my arms.  This isn’t to say that I haven’t had my moments of freaking out, because I was in the doctor’s office just a few short weeks ago for an unscheduled “reassurance” visit that all was well.  This isn’t to say that don’t have dark moments sometimes when I am convinced that I am not fortunate enough for another miracle to bless us again, because those demons still exist in my forever tainted mind.  But I will say that I know it is the time to let go of as much fear as I can and live in the moment that I have right now.  And right now this baby is mine.  He is growing inside of me, he is a part of me and I have him near me right here, right now and right now, that’s all that matters.  I don’t always know what tomorrow brings, but today I hold peacefulness knowing that all is okay today.  I know I owe it to myself, my family and my baby to live in this moment, to hold hope for the future and plan for his arrival whole-heartedly.  It sometimes scares the crap out of me to completely let go and hope and dream that everything is going to be okay this time.  I still have history that doesn’t want to loosen its grip on me and memories that remind me how horribly wrong things can go even when all things point to things being nothing but right.  It’s scary to completely release the fear.  In some strange way, sometimes holding onto a bit of it makes me feel safer.  I’m not sure why this is.  I guess I feel if I let my guard down entirely, I’m setting myself up for a full-fledged attack.  But I know the reality is that this false armor does nothing to protect me and I am working on shedding it, one piece at a time, in my time.  I’m trying to find my security in other places besides fear, in things like positive thoughts, hope, dreams, family, friends and love.  I have been surrounded by the most amazing people supporting me in the most amazing ways and my heart could not be any fuller than it is in this moment.  I am so grateful for my moment, for this moment, for my gradual release, for those who fill my heart and for all the love that is within and around me today.  I am so very, very grateful for my today.